


Blind Date

by Chaos_Valkyrie



Series: Agent O [14]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Blind Date, Cartoonish Hijinks, Heinz pretending to be the Pet from Hell, M/M, Oblivious Heinz, Ocelot!Heinz, Revelations, human!perry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 03:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7343338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaos_Valkyrie/pseuds/Chaos_Valkyrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perry looked thoughtful. ‘Weapons could be a good idea,’ he mused, missing Heinz’s point entirely.</p>
<p>Heinz snorted. ‘Is this a date or did you get a new nemesis without telling me?’ Heinz asked jokingly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blind Date

Heinz purred as he stashed his jet pack behind a potted plant on Perry’s balcony. It was Friday, the kids were at their respective friends' houses for the night, and so Heinz had an elusive free night all to himself. And who better to spend his free time with than his friends?

Well, only his best friend. Perry and Heinz had invited the others for movie night, but unfortunately, Carl, Newton, and Bea all mysteriously had prior engagements. So, here Heinz was, all geared up for a night of rom-coms, popcorn, and almond brittle (Perry claimed he had a stockpile worthy of Heinz’s addiction. They would just have to see about that).

Heinz let himself in through the balcony doors, loudly chirping a greeting. He expected to be greeted by his best friend in return, while said friend popped popcorn or readied the television for their marathon. What he got was said best friend running up and dropping to his knees before Heinz, giving the ocelot his very best puppy eyes.

‘You are my best friend,’ the man begged, ‘so for the love of God, please fake a tragic illness or something!’

Heinz was understandably confused by this. ‘What?’

Perry grimaced. ‘Linda set me up on a blind date! She didn’t tell me until thirty minutes ago, so I wouldn’t have time to make excuses. He’ll be here any minute! You have to help me,’ the man pleaded. 

Heinz was thinking very uncharitable thoughts against the mother of ‘his’ kids at the moment. For interfering – however unintentionally – with his Perry-time. Obviously. Mind racing, he tried to come up with a game plan. ‘Pet-sitting? I’m horrible around new people and you don’t want to leave me alone in a strange apartment?’ he tried.

Perry nodded grimly. ‘It might work.’ He sighed. ‘I’m sorry about our plans,’ he told Heinz, frowning remorsefully.

Heinz tilted his head. ‘So… why didn’t you just tell her no to begin with?’

Perry sighed again. ‘I have been, for months. She apparently decided enough was enough, and took matters into her own hands.’ Perry ran his fingers through his hair. ‘She means well…’

Heinz snorted. He gave Perry a full look-over, ignoring how the man’s face flushed. ‘Is that what you’re wearing?’

Perry looked down at his clothes, nonplussed. ‘What’s wrong with my clothes?’

‘It’s the same thing you wear to work everyday,’ Heinz said, waving a paw at Perry’s classic black-slacks-and-button-down combo. ‘All you need is a Hat now and the look is complete!’

Perry looked thoughtful. ‘Weapons could be a good idea,’ he mused, missing Heinz’s point entirely.

Heinz snorted. ‘Is this a date or did you get a new nemesis without telling me?’ Heinz asked jokingly. Perry obviously didn’t catch his tone, his head jerking up as he signed frantically to the ocelot. 

‘Never! I never want another nemesis again, not after you,’ Perry declared earnestly. Heinz smiled softly.

‘Then go change your shirt at least and try not to look like an agent for one night. I mean, how bad could it be?’ Heinz shrugged. Perry looked unamused, even as he stood up to go change.

‘Clearly you’ve never been on a blind date before.’ Perry shot back over his shoulder. 

‘Try never been on a date ever!’ he shouted back, grinning widely as Perry stumbled. Heinz giggled as the man shot a strange look back at the ocelot before disappearing into his bedroom.

The buzzer rang, and Heinz hummed to himself as he walked over and tapped the button.

'It’s Kevin? I'm here for our date,' the man's sing-song voice came over the microphone, and Heinz cringed. He tapped the button to let the man in, before calling out to Perry.

'Your date sounds like a real keeper already,' he yelled to Perry, who chuffed a laugh as he reentered the room. The man looked much more comfortable, having changed into a dark pair of jeans and a teal colored polo. Heinz sniffed.

'Is that Eau du Platypus?' he asked, sniffing the air again.

'Do you like it, the kids gave it to me for Christmas,' Perry stated. Heinz nodded thoughtfully, giving the man his equivalent of a thumbs up. He normally wasn't fond of human perfumes and colognes, they were generally too stinky, but this was nice.

The doorbell rang, and Perry's smile dropped. 'You ready for this?'

Heinz yowled loudly, grinning widely as Perry flinched, staring at him incredulously. 'Ready to be the pet from hell, indeed.' He yowled again, running over to the sofa and pretending to sharpen his claws on the back. Perry quickly hid his grin, going over to open the door for his startled date.

'I'm so sorry!' Perry started signing, acting flustered as Heinz hissed at the men and jumped on top of the new coffee table, scattering the magazines off the top of it. 'A friend of mine had to go away on business last minute, and I'm pet-sitting! I really can't leave him alone!'

Apparently, the date knew ASL, which Heinz did mark in his favor as he ran across the room and tried to climb a bookcase. He carefully knocked a few unbreakable knick-knacks off and then proceeded to run to another part of the room and pretend sharpen his claws on the drapes.

Perry ran a hand through his hair and bit his lip as if he was worried, but Heinz could see the laughter in his eyes. 

The date just smiled, causing Heinz's eyes to narrow as he jumped up on another table. He was not unattractive, for a human. He had perfectly styled brown hair and crystal blue eyes, and stood about six inches taller than Perry. He wore khakis and a blue button down that Heinz knew was to complement his eyes. And his cologne...

Heinz sneezed suddenly. This is why he hated human colognes... too many people chose to marinade in them.

“Seems to me like he just needs to get outside and work this out of his system! Linda said there was a park nearby, so I made a picnic. I left it downstairs in my car; we can grab it as we go by.”

Perry looked at Heinz helplessly, before signing, 'I don't know... what if he runs off?'

“It'll be fine! They have a dog park, with tables, we can get to know each other while he runs around,” the man said, leering a little. Heinz's eyes narrowed further – clearly, the man had done his research. 

Perry was wringing his hands, looking between Kevin and Heinz nervously. 'Well, if you're sure...'

“Of course I am! Why don't you go get his leash and we'll head out!” Perry nodded and left the room. Kevin's smile dropped as he glared at the ocelot.

“You better not screw this up, kitty,” he hissed at the ocelot. Heinz literally hissed back.

Challenge accepted, buddy.

Perry reentered the room, and Kevin's smile was instantly back in place. Heinz, knowing he couldn't understand him, informed Perry, 'Your date just threatened me. It’s on now.'

Perry hid a smile, kneeling down and clicking a leash meaningfully at Heinz. Heinz forced himself to 'perk up', like he assumed a normal pet would, and sniff cautiously in his direction. Perry rolled his eyes, clicking the leash again and snapping his fingers for Heinz to come over.

The things he did for this ridiculous man. Heinz mewed sweetly, trotting over and letting Perry clip the leash to the hook on his collar. 

'This was for a trap, wasn't it?' he asked, and Perry's grin widened. Heinz glared up at Kevin, sneezing again at the close proximity of the man's aftershave.

'After you,' Perry signed, looping Heinz's leash around his wrist.

***** 

Before their small party even reached the picnic tables, Heinz had already signaled for at least five different agents to be on standby. Kevin looked ridiculously pleased with himself, thinking that Perry was laughing at his corny jokes, and not at Heinz as he turned this date into a massive covert operation.

But he'd at least let Perry eat first, before he turned everything on its head.

They reached the tables, and Perry reluctantly let Heinz off the leash. Heinz bristled as Kevin gave Perry an obvious look-over as his back was turned. Perry turned and smiled nervously at Kevin, who made a grand gesture for Perry to sit down. Perry sat on the end of the bench, and his smile turned more genuine as Heinz ducked around Kevin and hopped on the bench next to him, effectively stealing Kevin's seat.

The man frowned. “Shoo kitty,” he said through clenched teeth, making a waving motion with his hands. Heinz gave him his best unimpressed glare. Perry shrugged as if, 'what can you do?'

Kevin's eyes narrowed and he reached forward as if to pull Heinz bodily from the bench. Heinz focused his eyes on the man's hand, staring at it the same way Mutti taught him to glare at offending predators. 

The hand paused, starting to shake a little as the smell of sweat and nervous tension flooded Heinz's nose. A hand shot down in front of his face, and Heinz jolted back a bit.

Oh, he hadn't realized he was growling. Whoops. He looked at Perry apologetically, who returned his look with one of concern. 

“That beast should be in a zoo, not somebody's house!” Kevin exclaimed, causing Perry to frown.

'He's a little shy around strangers, but really, he's very friendly once you get to know him.' Perry signed angrily, and Kevin snorted. Perry started stroking Heinz on the head and down his back, causing Heinz to purr. Playing the pet card, he rubbed his cheek against Perry's shoulder, shooting the other human a smug look.

“He's a menace is what he is... y'know what, fine. Let's eat, and maybe he'll go get lost somewhere.”

Perry frowned as the man set the basket down, bending over as he started pulling out Tupperware. Perry and Heinz shared a look, each rolling their eyes at the blatant posturing.

Meanwhile, Perry's hand kept stroking down Heinz's back, lulling the ocelot into a dazed calm. On the next pass, Perry shifted, stroking down the back of Heinz's head and around to start scratching the jut of Heinz's jawbone under his ear.

Heinz melted.

'Ohmeingott, yes, right there, that's amazing, don't stop...' Heinz moaned, pressing his whole head into the magic fingers.

The hand jerked away, and Heinz noticed movement out of the corner of his pleasure-blurred vision. He turned to see Perry looking only slightly to the right of Mr. Posterior, wide-eyed with a rosy blush on his cheeks. Heinz inhaled deeply… was Perry… was that a hint of arousal? Kevin turned and looked pleased, and Heinz was incredibly put out.

If Perry was seriously checking this guy’s butt out, he was so going to bail.

'Should I leave you two alone?' Heinz chirped grumpily. Perry’s eyes shot over, confused.

‘What? No!’ he shook his head frantically, hand shooting out to grasp Heinz’s paw under the table. Kevin turned back to drop the last of the containers on the table, before frowning at them.

“Something wrong?” he asked, and Perry shook his head, a forced smile taking over his face. Kevin sniffed, sitting down across from the agents. Perry's hand tightened around Heinz's paw.

“Voila!” the man presented, handing Perry a plate as he started to open containers. “A home-cooked meal, picnic style. Bon appétit!” 

Perry smiled politely, spooning a small serving of potato salad on his plate before looking in the next container. Heinz sniffed, ears twitching as he declared, 'It’s totally store bought. I can smell the packaging. He just bought it and put it in his own containers.' Perry's smile widened, and Kevin looked pleased.

“His voice is a bit squeaky, isn’t it?” he asked, gesturing to Heinz with his fork. Heinz's ears went back a little as Perry frowned.

'No it’s not. His voice is perfect as it is,' Perry signed off with a glare. Heinz was touched.

“Mrowr,' Heinz chirped, and Perry smiled at him as Kevin shifted the conversation away from sensitive waters.

Heinz delicately washed his paw next to Perry as the conversation shifted through various topics – careers (Kevin was a stock-broker, and both Perry and Heinz learned more about trading than they'd ever wanted to know), friends (Kevin likes to go clubbing, Perry prefers quiet activities), politics (the man was a huge Roger supporter, figures) and very briefly Perry's environmentalism (Kevin wasn't expecting him to be quite so rabid). 

Heinz sighed with boredom, and purred a little when he felt Perry wraps his fingers around Heinz's paw, giving it a light squeeze. A glance showed that Perry was looking bored too while Kevin waxed on with some story from his college days that Heinz assumed was supposed to be entertaining. 

Heinz rolled his eyes. Time to crash this party.

Heinz rubbed his head against Perry's shoulder, getting the man's attention before jumping down from the bench. Perry shot him a betrayed look. Heinz chirped, 'Be right back!' to his friend, his steps hastening as he noticed Kevin stand up to move around the table. 

Signaling the other agents, he ran behind a bush, shortly joined by agents G, P, B, D, and W. Heinz outlined his plan quickly, peeking back towards the tables to gauge the situation. 

Perry looked incredibly uncomfortable as Kevin had finally invaded his personal space, sitting next to Perry and shifting in close. He wore a flirty smile, ignoring Perry's attempts to subtly push him away.

Heinz growled lowly, turning to the assembled agents behind him. 

'Mission starts now,' he growled, and the others agents nodded grimly.

Heinz yowled at the top of his lungs, noting in satisfaction as Perry used the distraction to jump away from the bench and out of Kevin's reach. The other man practically fell over as Heinz screamed again, leaping out at a run from behind the bush, the canine agents (and goose recruit) barking and yipping hot on his heels.

The two men watched, stunned, as Heinz leapt onto the table, the other agents right behind him. A well placed smack flipped the potato salad into the air, where bowl and contents landed right on Kevin's head. 

Perry tried to hide a smile as the man yelled angrily, before Heinz jumped from the table and into Perry's arms, carefully clambering onto the man's shoulders to get away from the other agents.

Perry shot the dogs and goose a stern look, discretely giving the agents a thumbs up and nod while Kevin was distracted. The agents grinned, before turning around and knocking said man over, 'helping' him to clean up the mess he was covered in.

The bulldog wrinkled his nose. 'Ew, store bought,' he said, and the other agents pulled back and left in disgust.

'I told you,' Heinz gloated from his perch on Perry's shoulders. Perry’s shoulders shook as he tried to control his laughter and keep Heinz balanced.

‘I think I’d better get him home,’ Perry signed, trying to look apologetic. He helped Heinz down from his shoulders, clipping the leash back on while Kevin fumed silently. He waved goodbye to the man, silently leading the ocelot away from the table. 

As they passed Kevin, the man snarled out, “You fucking menace!” Heinz just briefly saw the kick aimed at him, before he was snatched up and cradled in Perry’s left arm. He couldn’t see his friend’s face, but Kevin gulped audibly, the whites of his eyes showing as he staggered back. 

‘Never call me,’ Perry signed and growled, before marching away angrily, the ocelot still cradled in his arms.

They were halfway back to Perry’s building when Heinz felt the man was calm enough for him to say something.

‘Um, I can walk you know,’ he said, giggling a bit as Perry stumbled. Perry quickly apologized, setting Heinz down carefully and unclipping the leash. The two kept pace with each other as they silently made their way inside the building and into the elevator.

Once the doors had shut, Heinz grinned. ‘It’s nice to know I haven’t been missing anything.’

Perry looked at him, confused. ‘You were serious, earlier? You’ve never been on a date?’

Heinz shook his head. ‘I only really come in contact with people from work. It’s hard to muster up the interest when I know I’m going to outlive them several times over.’ 

Perry looked saddened at this. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, right before the elevator opened to their floor.

Heinz shrugged in reply. It had never really bothered him much before. ‘Besides, why would I need to date when I’ve got you now?’ he chirped, walking ahead of his friend down the hall. ‘You still up for movies and popcorn?’

He turned as Perry unlocked the door, noting the man’s reddened cheeks. ‘You feeling all right?’

Perry nodded quickly, waving Heinz towards the sofa as he locked the door behind them. ‘Um, yeah. How about you set up the movies and I’ll go pop that popcorn.’

Heinz watched the man’s retreating back in confusion. Huh. He bet it was the potato salad. Store bought, bleh.

**Author's Note:**

> The canine agents were Pinky, the bulldog from the doppelganger episode that tries to arrest Perry, a Doberman I just made up, and wolf recruit / agent. And the goose recruit-now-agent, because although I changed my original plan a little bit, she still wanted in on the action. 
> 
> The place where Perry scratches Heinz is indeed the magic spot for cats. It’s also roughly the same spot that makes the dragons pass out in How to Tame Your Dragon.
> 
> Perry and I share a deep, deep hatred of blind dates. And people giving out our phone numbers without consulting us first… I feel the pain.
> 
> And, congrats to anyone who guessed that Perry would be the one to figure it out. Like it was hard, note who has the oblivious tag.
> 
> Get excited people! It all comes together in the next installment!


End file.
